November 2, 2008
We were lying in bed. I had just met you a day ago but we talked endlessly. English was your second language, and it was my first. Your limbs, your hips, were so thin, almost birdlike. Your eyes were hazel ringed brown, then green-gold, always changing in the light.
“I like you, a lot in fact,” I blurted out.
“So do I.”
“Really?”
“It should be that way. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t be here,” you said.
A pause. This honesty was something new.
You looked confused, almost hurt. “Is it so difficult to accept that?”
Four in the morning was the time for secrets. There was no filter between our mouths and brains. Everything tumbling out, liquid sweet. At four in the morning, even a lie was a half-truth at least. We watched each other, I with wariness, you with something terrifyingly like fondness.
A hand on my cheek. “Your eyes are black.” A shock. “Really black.”
“Yes, they are.”
“I’ll wait till they change colour.”
“They won’t ever,” I whispered. “You might end up waiting forever.”
October 21, 2008
“A woman’s life is nine parts mess to one part magic.”
I just want to sleep forever and not wake up. Believing in anything is terrifying. Except science. I could get behind that any day.
I want to eat my hands. I want my essays to write themselves. I want to stop dropping dead every 5 hours from some mysterious tropical malady. Can dehydration carry over from four days prior?
I like broken things. I like damaged people. If you aren’t like me, I can’t love you.
October 19, 2008
1. to go to sleep curled up in your bed while you pick the half-finished book out of my hand and put it aside
2. walking to the coast and back
3. tea, cupcakes with generous frosting and sprinkles
4. feeling your hand on mine and knowing you do not want to own me or break me or buy me but to merely feel the warmth from it
October 9, 2008
load up your guns, bring your friends
it’s fun to lose and to pretend
she’s over-bored and self-assured
oh no, i know a dirty word
September 23, 2008
weather is insane again. i don’t think i’ll get to wear my scarf anytime soon.
i am purging people from my life. it feels good. struck with a sudden bolt of inspiration in the shower – am drawing again. did a new design… i’m entertaining visions of a t-shirt/canvas bag line with alice in wonderland designs. it’s nice to dream.
i think the point of this whole entry was to affirm that i’m drawing again… and to put off reading my political science notes. ah, well.
September 22, 2008
Today was a good day. I don’t have enough good days usually so I better get to writing them down.
1. Theatre and drama test was mostly painless.
2. My SEA group mates are wonderful, well-organized people. Feel extremely productive with them.
3. Meeting more and more nice, friendly, genuine (as far as an initial vibe goes) people everyday.
4. Got tickets for the Vagina Monologues. Second row from the front. Booya! Going with two very awesome girls.
5. Bought a looooooong striped scarf from Zara – I can wear it with anything! Black and white, my favourite.
6. Ate very good sushi – $5 for 6 pieces. No cranky cmi waitresses or exorbitant service charge. Just chilling on a bench and eating takeout.
7. Ate a praline chocolate bar from M&S!
8. Dinner was teriyaki beef and butternut squash. (Separately cooked!) Dessert was OODLES of fresh fruit my dad brought back from the US – gooseberries, raspberries, blueberries and strawberries with whipped cream (handwhipped heavy cream!) and crushed M&S meringues. OH GOD BLISS. After the second mouthful I nearly cried tears of foodie joy.
All in all, a happy day <3 And a lot of this is related to simple and lovely food. HAHA.
September 21, 2008
i can feel the mood changes starting up again. unpleasantly so. i have work and not enough motivation.
i refuse to give into drama. and yet, i am so very, very exasperated with myself. it must be all those goddamn vampire romance/mystery novels i’ve been reading.
hot, sticky weather. lying on the wooden sofa (bench?) in my living room, feeling uncomfortably warm and yet too tired to move. imagining turning into dust motes. no breeze, slanted sunlight, unrelenting ennui.
contemplate what it would feel like to have someone beside you, in that bubble of painful, hyper-aware silence. i am struck with the terrible urge to reach over and touch an imaginary someone.
living room hot and still. just me and the house and 32 degree centigrade heat.
in that moment i felt terribly alone.
had to brush it off, get up and take a shower. weather driving everyone stir crazy.
September 10, 2008
I am sick of singing: the bays burn deep and chafe: I am fain
To rest a little from praise and grievous pleasure and pain.
For the Gods we know not of, who give us our daily breath,
We know they are cruel as love or life, and lovely as death.
[...]
For the glass of the years is brittle wherein we gaze for a span;
A little soul for a little bears up this corpse which is man.
So long I endure, no longer; and laugh not again, neither weep.
For there is no God found stronger than death; and death is a sleep.
- Hymn to Prosperpine, Algeron C. Swinburne
Am using the bpal perfume inspired by it. (So shallow, I know.)
I wish we could do stuff like this in class instead of… Ted Hughes. Sorry, so much hate for the man for driving Sylvia Plath, at least in part, to kill herself. Your writing’s not awesome enough for me to forgive you.
I crawl into bed at five in the evening and wake up for dinner at half past seven. My body clock’s all screwed up. Now I am half-awake and the thought of reading Swinburne when I have so many other texts screaming at me to be finished before lecture (tomorrow!) and to prepare for essay paper (by Monday!) that I feel horribly guilty. This is the drawback of being an arts student I guess. What does one read for leisure? Scientific journals? D:
